One of the major causes of depression is guilt. Guilt is one of the most complex human emotions. We often suffer from guilt for many years, as if we are stuck in the past, as if life is stuck!
Psychologists estimate that the average person spends 40 minutes a day ruminating on mistakes—that’s over 240 hours a year trapped in guilt.
Regret and guilt are two different emotions. Regret is a healthy emotion whereas guilt is harmful.
What is Regret?
When we make a mistake and we regret, it means we:
- Accept (we realize where we have erred, what exactly was wrong inside me at that point)
- Apologise (we feel the pain of hurting the other, feel ashamed, and we are ready to say sorry)
- Assure (we make a plan and promise to ourselves and to the other not to repeat the mistake ever)
- Alert (for the future, we are very alert and aware that the same mistake should not happen)
What is Guilt?
When we make a mistake and feel guilty, it means we are not regretting because:
- Accept – I struggle to accept that I made the mistake, or accept with an ego inside, “How could I make the mistake,” “I wish I had never done that,” “I could have done better,” “I wish my mistake was never caught,” – Beat up myself for making the mistake.
- Apologise – we may or may not apologise. Externally we feel sorry and ashamed, but unable to forgive ourselves inside, so we continue to feel awful even if forgiven. This is because:
- 1) we do not have the courage to tolerate the pain or the consequences of the mistake, or
- 2) we have fear of the punishment, or
- 3) the ego/pride cannot tolerate the thought of the setback (shame/defamation/pain/loss) that comes as a consequence of the mistake.
- Assure – We have no energy or time to think of a plan, no courage to make a promise or keep a promise for the future, because we are busy ruminating on the thoughts coming from the ego (struggle as mentioned in the above points)
- Alert – We are not at all ready to be alert because we are draining our energy or busy avoiding situations and continuing to beat up self, feeling depressed, or in a conflicting conversation inside, repetitive thoughts, or trying to entertain/distract the self in attempt to avoid repetitive thoughts of fear, lack of courage, and thoughts arising from ego.
CONCLUSION
Regret is a normal human psychological response and behaviour in a situation where a mistake has happened.
Guilt is an exaggerated negative complex; energy draining, arising from ego/pride and hence a harmful irrational response and behaviour that can last forever.
The good side of guilt is that it signifies that there is a desire to be good, perfect, and righteous. “I feel sad to have hurt others” – signifies morality.
The solution:
To get rid of guilt, we have to work towards achieving the following state:
- I have made a mistake and I understand my weakness that led me to make the mistake.
- I accept this and I have a plan to get rid of my weakness.
- I have the courage to tolerate the consequences and suffer the pain or punishment that it will bring.
- I’m ready to face the consequences of my action. If I do not face the consequences of my own action then how would I learn and who will then bear the consequences instead. I cannot escape from here.
The moment you honestly feel this state, you will be free of guilt.
DR. NALINI VIJAYKUMAR 