Self-Reflection: How to Start Working on Yourself

We are all different. Yes, we are.

All humans are different and each one has a unique individuality. What does this mean? We have different styles of doing the same thing. This is true.

We also have different skills and abilities, but of course, we can develop skills; learn and develop our capabilities. This means perhaps styles cannot change but our capabilities can.

Do we have different goals? Yes. We have different desires and goals.

But the ultimate goal is the same for all of us. How? Some may desire for a palace, some for the best car, some may want to be the richest, some may want a family, some may desire for a world tour, and some for the best food everyday. But the ultimate goal if you ask them, will be to enjoy, be happy, have harmony and peace. 

All luxuries give us comfort, relationships make us comfortable. Comfort is happiness/peace. I guess no human being would have the ultimate goal of being “unhappy!!”

So we are all different in styles, but all of us have a common goal.

The ultimate goal is happiness or let’s call it a “no discomfort state.”

We may possess all the money to buy all the comforts; we may have it all, but some small trigger can get us stressed out. Real comfort is inner comfort.

The state of inner comfort comes when we have sorted out most of our past. That’s the test.

Let’s check this. Let’s introspect and contemplate. Now go through your childhood days and check what comes to your mind.

Memories will come. Maybe mother’s strict parenting style, father upset at my 5th grade result, friends making fun of me at school, being bullied, abuse, being robbed, fear of exams, of people, of being alone, people saying mean things, being punished, keeping secrets, failing in tests, people calling you names, physical abuse, sexual abuse, violence, illness, death of loved ones, etc.

These memories will just not vanish one day; they will keep coming up. And in fact studies have shown that these memories affect our day to day actions, behaviors, and decisions unconsciously.

What needs to be done? How do we sort our past? 

Here’s how to start.

In every past incident, “we” were affected. Now “we need to focus our attention on ourselves in that incident.” Let’s take an example. How was I affected when I was being bullied? Why was I feeling weak? Why would I not have the courage to stop that or change my reaction? Was my response the correct response? Oh! I was feeling like I’m very small and helpless. But was I really helpless, why didn’t I speak to anyone? Did I feel so insecure and unsafe? Why did I feel so unsafe when I could take help? What stopped me from sharing with someone? I shared with my mother, and she did not trust me, but I had other people with whom I could share. Didn’t I trust anyone else? I felt shame, fear, or I felt I would lose my people? Did I feel threatened? ..I felt like I would lose the respect and love from my people. So was I so dependent on the respect and love of my people that I would not take help! Do I feel the same today?Why am I dependent? Is it because I cannot tolerate being alone? I don’t have the courage to live my life alone? Do I really don’t have the courage? Was I born weak and will I die weak? Or do I have the courage but I don’t have the desire to be alone? But all of us have to live alone at some point in life. Am I always going to feel fearful? Will I always feel anxious about being alone? What about death? When death comes, we have to go alone. Oh, I’m so scared of death because I’ll be all alone after that!!

In the above example, we are focusing only and only on ourselves. And we learnt so much about our own inner self. Not about how weak my body was or how bad my situation was! We have always thought of the same past incident but focused on how this world is bad, the perpetrator was unfair, how my mother was incapable of helping me, or how society is responsible for these things, etc. 

These conclusions about the world, society, people, relatives etc affect our present and future perspectives, and as a result make our life and decisions worse! And actually the lesson to be learnt from that incident was about ourselves. How much weakness I have or had, what kind of fears I have, my trust, my thoughts, my skills of coping with situations, with loneliness, my fear of death, etc.

If we focus on these and start working on developing the trust, courage, coping skills, then we would see life with a different perspective and live a present and future with a better attitude that will lead us to our ultimate goal!!